Please...Please come set me free.

 

Dear God I come to you now

Here I lie at your lotus feet

a loyal servant I beg of you

please

please come and set me free 

I've cried until my rivers run dry

This load too heavy to bear

please don't make me go back 

to living in that place of despair

I know they say beggars cannot be choosers

but please 

hear me out

If I go back the way I've been

They will truly try and strip my crown

...I feel helpless and alone

tired of singing that old blues song

tears streaming from my face?

Where in the hell did I go wrong?

Why those lessons never comin' fast enough?

and the child in me ain't fully healed?

why my scars always show at the most inconvenient times?

and those feelings of happiness 

harder to feel?

Have I not been patient enough?

stood the tests of time?

are you angry with me or something?

do my past transgressions replay in your mind?

why such a heavy burden to bear?

here lately I don't feel so made in your image

maybe your strength is just something we do not share

perhaps we just will never quite compare

...in your image.

There are days when I can push through--and then there are days I cannot. This particular day, is a day in the maze. 

I cry. I cry because I cannot do this life on my own. I cry because I feel I should be stronger than what I am. I cry because I feel I should be farther along my journey than I am. I cry because I feel so misunderstood. I cry because after I ripped myself from chains to embrace my true authenticity, there are those who try to shove me in a box, not fit for my weight nor capacity. I cry because I've bottled so much inside, and am ready to erupt at a moment's notice. I cry because all anyone can tell me is to keep moving forward....but what happens when the road becomes muddy, and I lose my way? The trail is no longer clear, and I've lost my faith? What happens when I have been trying to be strong all my life, and I'm only 24? So much at such a young age, I have been forced to endure. What happens when I know I gotta get my shit together, but this shit is only getting harder? What happens when I don't know what the fuck to do and now I'm.....frozen?

What happens then? When I tried the affirmations, and gratitude lists, and prayed to every fucking God in the sky only for them to remind me that I must save myself? What happens when I can't save myself? When the heavy weight of wanting to die just consumes me whole? I've been told I'm worth more than diamond gems, but lately I don't feel so worthy. I want to remain an optimist...But I fear there's just no purpose...

What happens when I no longer have words....only tears?

What happens then?...well?

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You will make it through...

Change gonna come

it's gon come

and come again

and when you don't see the path, God will say keep on walking

The pain gonna come

it's gon visit

 again and again

and it will feel… well

Truly never ending

The hurt gonna come 

so let it hurt 

and the rain gonna pour

but the sun will eventually shine

you will feel betrayed by those you love

and eventually, 

you might even want to die

you will stare up to the heavens above and ask Jesus or some Krishna why?

you will fall to your knees in anguish

losing hope and faith in all

you will doubt that a God even exists

and 

bloody and a mess

battered and bruised

you will question everything you thought you knew

and most days get stuck singing the blues

or any sad tune in attempt to comfort this truth

you my love

yes you 

you will eventually acknowledge the truth 

that you are suffering 

an intolerable life

all built by past actions

of an unconscious mind

you will suffer more because you now know

and the veil has been lifted

And you will be given no other choice but to walk with the gifted

Eventually, you will rise

Birthed once more from the rubble

With all the might left in you

You will make it through all your troubles.

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Challenges Teach Us Mastery

Music Playing: Summertime by Sam Cooke

"One of these mornings, you're gonna rise up singing

Then you'll spread your wings and take to the sky"

Today, I went outside, sitting under pine trees, puffing ganja to clear my mind. Energy work to connect with the God inside...just looking to free my mind. 

You know what I thought?

God would not give you this series of challenges if it did not think you could overcome each one. Challenges come only to allow us to master our power. I was watching anime the other day, and thinking of how each anime is built upon this main concept: the main character must master their powers, energy, focus, and strength. They are always going through a new set of challenges...whether they be fighting demons or not (which, demon fighting animes are my shit), each fight requires them to master a new skill varying from breathwork techniques, visualisation, meditation, rigorous exercises that require them to tap into the most "superhuman" abilities, and much more. The main character always seems to be the "chosen one"; in the beginning of the episodes, they may seem weak, fragile, or simply lacking the awareness of their true potential. They may even doubt their abilities once another character joins in and tells them that they are the ones who are supposed to help save the world.

But then, something shifts...the moment they accept the invitation to "save the world". They accept the invitation to become a student and master themselves.  They must journey through to become one of the strongest, the elite, or, as they say in Demon Slayer: Hashira. Using Demon Slayer as an example--Tanjiro, alongside other members, gained valuable lessons from each Hashira. Each one instilled within him unique abilities. Sharpening his speed, passion, flexibility & sword control. As well as the importance of focus in battle, endurance, and physical strength. There were plenty of times Tanjiro almost didn't make it, but there was this fire in him that never died. This strong will to rise above and push through any challenge, even if he thought at first sight it was impossible. Not to mention his big heart, which was also the driving force behind his actions. 

Challenges arrive...to teach us mastery..

So, instead of getting trapped in this cycle of fear, or 'stuckness' when a challenge arises, and thinking something is often going wrong, or we are just not up for the challenge thrown at us...what if we stepped into this space of:

What is this challenge guiding me to master? What energy must I cultivate within myself to embody that mastery?

Right now, I feel that I am being guided to master trust and strength. If I'm keeping it completely raw, no condom, life has been a rollercoaster of a fucking ride lately. I fear I haven't made the right choices in this new phase of my journey, money has been funny, stability ain't been real stable, mental health teeter tottering. I mean, cast me for a fucking episode of Shameless because there is always fucking something.

....God has been so good to me, truly. But this life has been hard, I find it more difficult to keep my faith, I've been feeling so weak and helpless, lost, and oftentimes afraid, and about .2 seconds away from practicing the harlem shake out in moving traffic--but I digress. There is still air in my lungs, so perhaps there is something on the other side of this misery I've been feeling deep within. I pray, better than I have ever known or seen in my life. 

Okay....that's what I got for now, until next time..

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I'm drowning you see...

I’m trying to breathe
I swear I am
but them waves keep on catching me

pushing me further and further into the deep end
and I got no fight left in me
I’d be better off drowning
letting the tide come rushing in 
throat tightening up.
the air left in my lungs is slim to none.
and I think I just might die in this suffocating space.
I can't breathe
water clouding my vision
now I can't see—
maybe–
maybe this is it for me–
I’m tired of fighting against this tide
maybe I oughta let go of this here life boat and–
let die–
I’m tired of all this suffering 
I don't think I’m as strong as God says I am
So many dreams met with so many obstacles
I think I oughta just give up on them
let this wave take me under
deep
deep into the ocean floor
maybe then I’ll find some peace
won’t be stuck in this matrix no more
Can't go back the old way
and this new path seems just as hard
what's the point of all these gifts
if this world gon keep me scarred
There are times I wish art wasn't my passion
but creativity knows me too well
I think the day I was born
God's hands casts a spell
and so I sit here drowning
wanting out of this life I've been given
but God won't take me yet
for he says I must walk the path of this ascension
and so I guess giving up is too easy
ending my own self too cowardice
I guess I’ll just suffer through
though it's hard to breathe
hard to catch my breath.

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Welcome to Last Day of my two-week poetry series. I will be going on a 2-week venture of writing exercises to get my creative spirit in flow, which allows me to dive deeper into how I write--yes--but also, will help me dive deeper into my wisdom and insights from the universe. So--follow along this journey if you desire, and comment below the insights you may receive from these pieces.

Love is...

 Love shows up as palo santo burning on the altar where my ancestors reside

The leaves from the marijuana in my tea that gets me high

The clouds in the sky–

And the sun that shines

Love lives in his sweet chocolate brown eyes, and his honeysuckle smile

Love is warm

Like a candle-lit fire

The one true embodiment of your souls desire

Love is here

And love is now.

Love is the final answer

Doesn’t matter about the how—

We often times try to frame in logic

Hypothesis & rationality

But love doesn’t wait on us to be ready–

It often visits unexpectedly

Love is like a flood

Or waves crashing upon shore

Defying the laws of gravity

It is what makes the uncertain–

Sure.

The unseen

felt.

The star lights

Twinkle.

My heart

melts.

Love is—

Everything.

And everything--

is love.

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Welcome to Day 13 of my two-week poetry series. I will be going on a 2-week venture of writing exercises to get my creative spirit in flow, which allows me to dive deeper into how I write--yes--but also, will help me dive deeper into my wisdom and insights from the universe. So--follow along this journey if you desire, and comment below the insights you may receive from these pieces. 

Struggling to find my way...

I have been so overwhelmed

Filled with this load of anxiety

I try to make it go away but it just keeps on following me

Screaming in my ear

All my fears

Making a mockery

I just can’t seem 

to make it go away…

My eyes flood with tears

Don’t know what it means to make the right choice

I’ve been given all this power 

But still can’t seem to use my own voice

I feel ecstatic in the rising times

Such a low low by night

Often times feel I’m losing my mind

Altered vision

Loss of sight

I wish I knew what was best for me

But I’ve been feeling so confused 

I wish I knew just what it meant to truly trust in how I move

I want to believe that I am safe

But safety I have never known

Still longing for the place

That feels like true home…

Follow Me:

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IG: _sagethemystic_

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Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/1JG2FeLPPkNKn1hPGec9Ku?si=ogy5zMplS8m7sRdm5pFFEw

Welcome to Day 12 of my two-week poetry series. I will be going on a 2-week venture of writing exercises to get my creative spirit in flow, which allows me to dive deeper into how I write--yes--but also, will help me dive deeper into my wisdom and insights from the universe. So--follow along this journey if you desire, and comment below the insights you may receive from these pieces.