Please...Please come set me free.

 

Dear God I come to you now

Here I lie at your lotus feet

a loyal servant I beg of you

please

please come and set me free 

I've cried until my rivers run dry

This load too heavy to bear

please don't make me go back 

to living in that place of despair

I know they say beggars cannot be choosers

but please 

hear me out

If I go back the way I've been

They will truly try and strip my crown

...I feel helpless and alone

tired of singing that old blues song

tears streaming from my face?

Where in the hell did I go wrong?

Why those lessons never comin' fast enough?

and the child in me ain't fully healed?

why my scars always show at the most inconvenient times?

and those feelings of happiness 

harder to feel?

Have I not been patient enough?

stood the tests of time?

are you angry with me or something?

do my past transgressions replay in your mind?

why such a heavy burden to bear?

here lately I don't feel so made in your image

maybe your strength is just something we do not share

perhaps we just will never quite compare

...in your image.

There are days when I can push through--and then there are days I cannot. This particular day, is a day in the maze. 

I cry. I cry because I cannot do this life on my own. I cry because I feel I should be stronger than what I am. I cry because I feel I should be farther along my journey than I am. I cry because I feel so misunderstood. I cry because after I ripped myself from chains to embrace my true authenticity, there are those who try to shove me in a box, not fit for my weight nor capacity. I cry because I've bottled so much inside, and am ready to erupt at a moment's notice. I cry because all anyone can tell me is to keep moving forward....but what happens when the road becomes muddy, and I lose my way? The trail is no longer clear, and I've lost my faith? What happens when I have been trying to be strong all my life, and I'm only 24? So much at such a young age, I have been forced to endure. What happens when I know I gotta get my shit together, but this shit is only getting harder? What happens when I don't know what the fuck to do and now I'm.....frozen?

What happens then? When I tried the affirmations, and gratitude lists, and prayed to every fucking God in the sky only for them to remind me that I must save myself? What happens when I can't save myself? When the heavy weight of wanting to die just consumes me whole? I've been told I'm worth more than diamond gems, but lately I don't feel so worthy. I want to remain an optimist...But I fear there's just no purpose...

What happens when I no longer have words....only tears?

What happens then?...well?

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